What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:20
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
So, i spoilt her more .
I write beautiful poetry .
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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My life is so biszare .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I never cut or harmed myself..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I will be 64.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I waited trembling.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot live in the past .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I said to her
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
So whats the point in blame.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is soul school!.
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She loved him until the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was 9 years of age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it wasn’t much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I don,t even have a pension.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was in good health!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him